Throughout my years of teaching martial arts and self-defense, I’ve often emphasized to my students that what they don’t know can be the most dangerous. With this in mind, I encourage them to learn as much as they can about different combat techniques from various styles, including those involving knives, clubs, staffs, guns, and other potential weapons. Yet, I never imagined that the most insidious weapon of all would be gaslighting — until I found myself a victim of it on multiple occasions, including in my marriage without even knowing what it was. I had simply never heard of that word before let alone its meaning.
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or group causes someone to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. The goal of gaslighting is to make the victim doubt themselves, feel confused, anxious, and ultimately depend on the manipulator for a sense of reality or truth. This can happen in personal relationships, workplaces, and even in broader social or political contexts.
Examples of Gaslighting:
- Personal Relationships:
- Denial of Events: A partner repeatedly insists, “I never said that” or “You’re imagining things,” even when you clearly remember the conversation. Over time, this causes you to question your memory and doubt your own experiences.
- Minimizing Feelings: When you express hurt or upset feelings, the gaslighter might respond with, “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive.” This minimizes your emotions and makes you feel like your feelings are invalid.
- Workplace Gaslighting:
- Sabotage and Blame: A manager might deliberately give an employee conflicting instructions or set them up to fail, then accuse them of incompetence when things go wrong. The employee begins to doubt their own skills and abilities.
- Withholding Information: Colleagues might withhold key information and then act as though the victim is incompetent for not knowing it. This can create confusion and insecurity.
- Social or Political Gaslighting:
- Denying Facts: A public figure or leader might repeatedly deny obvious facts or events, even when evidence is widely available, claiming it’s “fake news” or a misunderstanding. Over time, this can create doubt and confusion among people about what is real or true.
Gaslighting is a harmful tactic that can erode a person’s sense of self-worth and trust in their own judgment. Recognizing gaslighting is the first step in protecting oneself from its damaging effects. So as a victim of gaslighting myself, I know make it part of my martial art curriculum and my mission to help combat what seems to be an endemic in our society.
As a victim of gaslighting, I have now made it part of my martial arts curriculum and my mission to help combat what has become an alarming epidemic in our society. Stay in touch.
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